SMS: Superpower Messaging System
Posted by By Akogun Akomolafe at 10 December, at 15 : 00 PM Print
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In times gone by, when a Potentate felt sufficiently aggrieved by the action or inaction of a fellow sovereign, he usually summons his scribe and dictate a missive. The missives grew progressively belligerent until outstanding issues are resolved in one of two ways: war or successful peaceful resolution.
In those lofty days, war is a very serious business. No, it is not a cavalier matter that is hastily resorted to. Look at it this way: It has to be serious business because in those days when men were men Potentates invariably lead their troops in battle and right there at the front. And since the perks and appurtenances of office are so abundant that no same mortar would want to happily lose it, Potentates very carefully choose when to rush into battle. Ok, now and then you have some crazy bananas who do not give a hoot about their own necks much less about the necks of the hoi polloi, but generally Potentates huffed and puffed awhile before deciding on going to war.
But Homo Sapiens have made huge strides. What with all our technologies and things, eh? Today, message exchanges between and among Potentates have taken giant strides since those days of scribes penning threatening letters.
Today when warlord George Bush want to send a powerful message to a foe, say the leader of Iran, the setting usually goes something like this. Old George summons his War council comprising his Chief Warlord in the form of the Secretary of Defense. His Ambassador Extraordinaire in the person of the Secretary of State is also in attendances so will the National Security Advisor. Others will be in attendance but we can regard those mentioned as the crème de la creme – the Roundtable guys and gals.
Bush: There are men and people out there who can do us great harm, so do we. How do we make sure that they get the message?
Secretary of State (SS): Mr. President, who exactly do we have in mind?
Secretary of Defense (SD): The Afghan insurgents, naturally?
National Security Advisor (NSA): It has to be Iraq, the remnants of Al-Qaeda still constitute serious nuisance to our folks.
Bush: What! I am surrounded by clowns who cannot grasp the monumentality of the threat posed by the new agro around the corner? Why am I the only one who perceive Iran as the new wrongo? Do the Iranians have the sovereign rights to develop nuclear programmes? Yes they have, and it is in their interest, eh, uh, to maintain a peaceful …
SD: Do you think that we need to send a strong message to the Mullahs?
SS: Over what?
Bush: No, no, em, we cannot tolerate a nuclear Iran.
NSA: That would be intolerable as it poses a fundamental threat to our vital interests. Fifty percent of the free world oil passes through Strait of Homuz and a nuclear-armed Iran can easily choke us off.
SS: Are we not assuming here that the Iranians are suicidal. Nothing in their history, which I have studied delicately, indicates that they are suicidal gamblers. On the contrary, they are very cautious pragmatists in spite of all the noises they are making to placate their people.
SD: Do you mean that the threat against Israel shouldn’t be taken seriously?
Bush: We cannot allow Iran to wipe Israel off the face of the nation, eh, map, em, eh…, world
NSA: It would be Nazism all over again.
SD: Our friends in the region are jittery and they are all clamoring for action.
NSA: The Israelis are seriously rattled.
Bush: The way, em, uh, I … see it. Ehm, we need serious action here before they are mis-represent our resolve. We need to send a powerful message. Israel cannot be allowed to develop weapon of mass inhumanity which we threaten the Jews state, our ally…
SS: Mr. President, it is Iran we are discussing.
NSA: And they have ceased using our dollars for their oil trades.
SS: So would I if I’m in their shoes. Our dollars is not what it used to be.
SD: What we shouldn’t overlook here is the Domino factor of the Iranian action. If we fail to act decisively to stop Iran from acquiring nuclear weapons know-how, every banana republic in the world will start poking its nose at us. What do we do then?
SS: The Iranians already possess the know-how. What is stopping them developing is their own logical calculation of what is in their best self-interest. We can wipe them off the face of the earth. They know it and we know it. And they know that we know that they know. And so do the Israelis. They are religious fanatics but they are certainly not foolish.
Bush: But are we not forgetting the Scrabble Effect? I love scrabble…
NSA: It is Domino, sir.
Bush: Oh, I didn’t know the Iranians play Domino, eh!
SS: It is an expression, sir. It means…
Bush: I know what an expression means… But how do we make sure that they stop mis-underestimating us?
SS: I would say that they have been rather too cautious not to offend us.
SD: What do you call the entire staggering diplomatic swagger they have been putting on?
SS: Do we have to respond to every move made by politicians who looking to win a few votes in their land?
Bush: But how do we help the Iranish people to help themselves? We must strive to move the frontiers of liberty and freedom and, em, eh, demoncra, democratic and good governance into Arabia.
SS: I think the Iranians will object to being called Arabs?
Bush: Democracy knows no frontiers, Arabs or no Arabs. We must help to expand the touch, eh, light, em, torch of liberty which must not be inextinguishable. It is not we White Methodist folks alone who knows the joy of freedom. It is the gift of mankind, and women too.
NSA: The Israelis have made it clear that they are going to take action with or without us. That’s bound to rattle our friends in the region. The Egyptian and Omani Presidents are already burning good copper on the Hotline.
Bush: What! We certainly cannot allow those Zionist hotheads in Jericho to preempt us. I recommend that we immediately send a powerful message to the Iranish leadership, what are our options?
SS: I think the Israelis will strongly object to being called Zionist Hotheads. And their capital is Jerusalem; Jericho is a city in disputed Palestine, in the West Bank to be exact. Do you wish that I make a case at the Security Council?
NSA: That would unnecessarily be prolonging affairs not with the Russians in their current nasty funk. We cannot even count on the support of our so-called allies in NATO; they would stick it to us so that they can continue their old world game. We cannot even count on our new friends in Poland and Georgia.
Bush: What, Georgia will follow our lead. I know Governor Palin personally; I will get on the wire to him later and straighten things out. What to do about those Polacks?
NSA: We can let them have the new SATINT on Russian forces?
BUSH: SATINT, where is that?
SD: SATINIT is SATellite INTelligence. They refer to pictures from our orbiting military satellite. Satellites are…
BUSH: Gosh, I sure know what a satellite is. I used to fly a kite when I was a kid.
SS: They are hardly the same thing. Should I consult our NATO allies and canvass their opinion?
Bush: We cannot let the history of the history, em… let judgment accuse us of probasti, no, eh, abstenation. What do you guys say we send a few cruise missiles to Baghdad so that those sheep heads will know that we mean business. Nobody mess up with us.
SS: Baghdad?
NSA: You meant Teheran, Mr. President.
Bush: Tirani, or wherever those Al-Qaeda fundamentalists are hiding their Camel heads.
SD: We have got the Fifth and Sixth Fleet in the region. And there are two or three Battle groups that can be called upon in a jiffy.
SS: We shouldn’t be hasty in these matters. The Atomic Agency is still talking to the Iranians. And convincing the international community would be a hard sell given the Iraqi debacle. No one will believe us.
Bush: We allow the enemy to take the battle to us at our own peril; that is the number one, undermental, uh, fundamental military strategy. Offense is the best defense, according to history historians, em, and military historians. Remember that I am a war President.
SD: Right on mark, Mr. President. We can take Teheran out tonight. Tomorrow morning we begin a saturated carpet-bombing that will reduce Iran to the Ice age.
NSA: We can begin crippling their communications immediately.
Bush: That would be wonderful. Marvelous. We shall do all within our hands and powers to extend the frontiers of liberty.
PS: How on earth do Western leaders get away with their vast crimes? In other societies, War Criminals like George Bush would be languishing in jail or facing serious criminal charges. No one will ever know how many innocent Iraqis or Afghans this Moron in the White House sent unto painful, untimely death. What we know, however, is that the Charles Taylor’s crimes pale in comparison to the vast crimes of this imbecilic 43rd President of the USA.
PSS: Let’s all hope and pray that Mr. Barack Obama will not don the toga of War President. That he shall learn to beat the American sword into ploughshare, and help restore peace, friendship and harmony throughout the world.
About the Author
Femi Akomolafe is a passionate Pan-Africanist. A columnist for the Accra-based Daily Dispatch newspaper and Correspondent for the New African magazine. Femi lives in both Europe and Africa, and writes regularly on Africa-related issues for various newspapers and magazines.
Femi was the producer of the FOCUS ON AFRICANS TV Interview programme for the MultiTV Station.
He is also the CEO of Alaye Dot Biz Limited Dot Biz, a Kasoa-based Multimedia organisation that specialises in Audio and Video Production. He loves to shoot and edit video documentaries.
His highly-acclaimed books (“Africa: Destroyed by the gods,” “Africa: It shall be well,” “18 African Fables & Moonlight Stories” and “Ghana: Basic Facts + More”) are now available for sales at the following bookshops/offices:
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Femi Akomolafe
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