Of Sex and Non-Sex

Posted by By at 16 January, at 08 : 10 AM Print

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From my Archives


A fellow once described Bill Clinton as a man with the integrity of hyena. I think that was an apt description of this man who, apparently, have problems zipping his pants.

At the risk of being deemed judgmental, I must say that I find wily Bill an incredible man to fathom. I just cannot understand the man. How does he sleep well at night? I find it painful to break a promise, much less a vow – maybe that explains why I lack the courage to make a vow – for marriage or anything else for that matter. And here we have a man who thinks nothing of breaking a solemn vow he made with his wife. No one forced the guy to make marriage vows, for Christsake. And the parade of beauties (Ok, and not-so- beauty) who purported to have tasted Bill’s forbidden fruit is longer than your arm. The guy on Viagra or what? Does he like what he sees whenever he checks his face in the mirror? Oh, Bill!

Ok, I admit that politicians are, per definition, liars. A wit once said that the word was derived from the Latin – ‘poli,’ meaning many, and ‘tic,’ meaning blood-sucking parasite. But Bill is also a husband and a father. This guy went on national television and said, in effect, “My fellow citizens, read my lips, I did not have sex with that woman.” What did Bill tell Hilary? Did he also lied to her or did he tell her the truth (which, in effect, will make Hilary a liar)?

I never will understand the wives of Western celebrities. No matter how notorious a fellow becomes in the West, the wife is there to support him. She will march like a good Christian soldier to the courts, to the press conferences or wherever it is that hubby peccadillo has landed him. I sometimes have the feeling that western wives are mere ornaments to adorn the husband (even wayward ones). Their motto seems to be: Stand by your man. The other day, a philandering British minister was dragged to the courts for adultery, and there was the wife hanging on his shoulder as though her very life depended on him.

The perspectives to Bill’s numerous philandering is as vast as they are bewildering. For instance, Hilary has been the leading cheerleaders for her (hmmm) husband. The question is thus provoked: What did Hilary know and when did she know it?”

What actually baffled me was that man failed to recognise the moral dimensions of his transgressions! To Mister Clinton, the whole thing is politics and nothing but politics. Mr. Clinton was concerned only with the politics and the legalities of his crimes. The moral aspects clearly were beyond this uni-dimensional man. That he was having an affair with a woman young enough to be his daughter was, in Mr. Clinton’s view OK. That he lied to his country was, to him, not such a bad idea, so long as the opinion polls are high. That he denied a young woman who might have been his lover did not excite the conscience of this man.

About seven months ago, Bill Clinton, went on prime-time television, tried hard to look his convincing best, and lied blatantly. The guy even swore. August 17th, 1998, the holder of the most powerful office in the world, a humbled, almost pathetic Clinton was on television and threw another fudge. This man of tasteless immorality lacked even the courage to admit to his moral deficiencies. Instead of admitting that he blew it, he threw another fib. Plain sexual intercourse was promoted (or is it demoted?) to an ‘inappropriate relation that was wrong.’

Perhaps in due course, lexicographers will come up with a dictionary devoted entirely to Clintonspeake. Among the prime candidates, I’ll suggest the following:

  1. “Smoking but not inhaling.” – If you are gullible enough to believe this, you’ll believe anything.
  2. “Emotionally dependent” – I am screwing around with that woman.
  3. “I tell you straight…” I am lying through and through.
  4. “Inappropriate relationship that was wrong.” – I screw around and, God, how did they find out?

I have always had trouble understanding Americans These are people whose best brains are employed in the defence industries devoted to producing and perfecting weapons of mass destruction, yet they cry foul when a third-world country is as much as buying antique rifles.

America is the land where a man can own more weapons than the national armory of many African nations, yet Americans shed crocodile tears when one of them go on a rampage.

America is a country where public officials have turned evasive speaking and double-talk into an art form, yet Americans will want us to believe that they are surprised to find out that their president is incapable of telling the truth.

America is the country that has 4% of the world’s population, 18% of the world’s economy, but fully half of the world’s lawyer. Yet, the Yankees are wondering why everyone is disputing and suing everyone and everything. In a land where everyone is a hustler, Americans are pretending not to know why women are kissing and telling.

I was just wondering how the interview (or is interrogation?) of Clinton with Starr went. Let us imagine this scenario:

Starr: “Good-morning Mr. President. Shall we get on with the, ehm…”

Clinton: “Yeah, good idea. No one is more eager than I to clear the air on this sordid affair that has paralyzed the business of our government for so long. The American people deserve to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I…”

Starr: Sorry, Mr. President. This is not a campaign train, sir. I will just that you review for us your relationship with Ms. Lewinsky.”

Clinton: “Oh, sorry. I got a bit carried away. Oh, yeah. About that woman, Paula Jones. I have made it clear that I have no relationship with that woman. The whole thing is a gigantic fraud perpetrated on the American people by the Right-wing elements of the Republican Party. There is absolutely no truth whatsoever in all the allegations made by that woman. I am glad that the court has deemed it fit to dismiss her ludicrous charges. I…”

Starr: “Please, Mr. President, let’s have some focus and some perspective here. This is no political campaign and grandstanding will get us nowhere. Did you or did you not have sex with the woman, Ms. Lewinsky, Mr. President?”

Clinton: “Sorry, once again. Lewinsky? I thought we were talking about the Anglo. Where did this Polack woman come in? Oh, sorry. Lewinsky sounds Polish to me. But you’ll never know. Where does she come into this?”

Starr: “Ms. Lewinsky alleges that she has had sexual relations with you. Could you clarify for us your relationship with Ms. Lewinsky?”

Clinton: “Oh, no. Not another one. See what I mean by a grand Republican conspiracy?”

Starr: “Are you denying having a sexual relationship with Ms. Lewinsky?”

Clinton: “Of course, I deny it. An American court has dismissed her spurious allegations. I was in Africa when the good news came. I was with Hilary at the bank of Lake Victoria. The splendid view there. Have you been to Africa? I betcha you gonna like it. I…”

“Starr: “Focus, Mr. President. Focus. We are talking about Ms. Lewinsky. We have not yet gone to court. We are still at the grand-jury stage, Mr. President.”

Clinton: “Sorry, sir. I get confused by all the distractions the Republican Party is throwing around to cripple the business of the American government.”

Starr: ” Don’t sir me, sir. You are the president of the United States of America. To ask the question once again, Mr. President, did you or did you not have a sexual relationship with Ms. Lewinsky.”

Clinton: “Thank you. I might have had a relationship with her. After all, she worked at the White House, or so I’m made to believe. I am sure to have met with her.”

Starr: “Was sex involved in this ‘meeting’?”

Clinton: To clarify, this meeting might have been inappropriate and, with hindsight, wrong. That much I can admit.”

Starr: “Was Ms. Lewinsky your lover?”

Clinton: “That is a ridiculous thing to say. I might have been emotionally dependent on her. But I won’t go as far as calling it a loving relationship.”

Starr: “Mr. President, do you admit having sex with Ms. Lewinsky?”

Clinton: “I have clarified whatever relationship I had with the woman. It was inappropriate and it was wrong. That much I can admit.”

Starr: “Does this, ehm, ehm, inappropriate relationship comprises of your ejaculating on her dress?”

Clinton: “What a horrible thing to say. Did she say that?”

Starr: “The FBI are checking out a dress which she alleged is stained with your semen. Would you be willing to submit to a DNA test, Mr. President?”

Clinton: “Do I have a choice?”

Starr: “Not really, Mr. President. Ms. Lewinsky alleges that this, ehm inappropriate relationship lasted for over a year. Would you like to take this opportunity to clarify the exact nature of your relationship with Ms. Lewinsky, Mr. President.”

Clinton: “Do I really have to?”

Starr: “Not really, Mr. President. It will, however, help if this information can be obtained from you without ado.”

Clinton: “I have said all there is to be said about this affair. It was inappropriate and it was wrong.”

Starr: “I understand that your wife is a lawyer, Mr. President.”

Clinton: “What has that got to do with anything?”

Starr: “How would you clarify your relationship with Mrs. Clinton, I mean the real one, at this moment, sir?”

Clinton: “Isn’t a bit too intimate? Do you really have to ask.”

Starr: “As a trained lawyer, I will just advise her to advise herself.”

Clinton: “About what?”

Starr: “If you are still having a conjugal (or shall we say inappropriate relationship?) with her, it might make things awkward for her.”

Clinton: “How?”

Starr: “She could be charged with tampering with the evidence.”

Clinton: “Oh, my God. You can’t be serious.”



About the Author 

Femi Akomolafe is a passionate Pan-Africanist. A columnist for the Accra-based Daily Dispatch newspaper and ModernGhana, and Correspondent for the New African magazine, Femi lives in both Europe and Africa and writes regularly on Africa-related issues for various newspapers and magazines.

Femi was the producer of the FOCUS ON AFRICANS TV Interview programme for the MultiTV Station.

He is also the Man and Machine Coordinator at Alaye Dot Biz Limited, a Kasoa-based Multimedia organization that specializes in Audio and Video Production. He loves to shoot and edit video documentaries.

His highly-acclaimed books (“Africa: Destroyed by the gods,” “Africa: It shall be well,” “18 African Fables & Moonlight Stories” and “Ghana: Basic Facts + More”) are available for sales at the following bookshops/offices:

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