BBZ – Allegory of a Western media
Posted by By Akogun Akomolafe at 18 March, at 23 : 00 PM Print
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Newscaster: “This is Lahndahn. The time is thirteen hours, GMT. The news, read by Helen Goodgame. First, we continue with our special report on the situation in the Island of Kosangba, the ex-British colony in West Africa, where democracy has suffered a serious setback with the violent overthrow of the civilian administration of Alhaji Bansa Barawo, who was believed killed in the coup D’ETAT early this morning. We go straight to our correspondent at Petuje, the capital. Ama Donkor, good day to you. Can you tell us the latest situation. Has the coup succeeded. Any other information?”
Ama: “Thank you, Helen. The situation is still rather fluid. What I can confirm now is that the ancien regime is effectively over. The three-year old democratic experience has suffered a terminal setback. The death of the president, Alhaji Bansa Barawo has also been confirmed. It has been a very bloody coup, indeed. Aside from the president, a host of other top officials also lost their lives, including the army chief and the head of the presidential guard. There are unconfirmed reports that the Air-Force chief and the Navy commander were also killed. However, the vice-president is on a visit to some European Union countries and no one expect him to hurry back home anytime soon. The third high-ranking official, that’s the Senate President, was arrested while trying to escape from the capital. His whereabouts remains unknown. There has been sporadic gunfire throughout the day including mortar fire and artillery shells, especially at the main military barrack, which is close to the airport. Both the police and defence headquarters are on fire. It has been a terrible day indeed. Panicky residents could be seen running helter-skelter. A curfew has been declared. International borders have been closed indefinitely. The constitution has been suspended and all elected bodies dissolved. The student body, the Trade Union Congress and all Professional Bodies have been rusticated. Democracy has indeed suffered a terrible blow.”
Newscaster: “Thank you, Ama. Can you tell us about the new rulers. What programme, if any, have they announce and what reasons did they give for their violent overthrow of the government?”
Ama: “The new rulers are really saying very little. That, however, seems to be the rule in this game. They are probably consolidating their hold and holding meetings to share offices. Things like that. A scheduled press conference by the new junta spokesperson was abruptly cancelled. We expect another announcement anytime from now.”
Newscaster: “What can you tell us about the new leader, Captain Ajala Ajanlekoko?”
Ama: “That is really what surprised many people here. This is the first coup organized by lower-ranked officers. That could explain its violent nature. The previous six coup d’etat were organized by Generals, Brigadiers, but never this low rank. Captain Ajanlekoko was in charge of Army sports. Not a strategic post, one might add. That again is among the numerous imponderables of this coup. Military analysts are already wondering how a man from that background managed to capture all the military formations scattered across this vast country. I must also add that this is the first coup organized by a man from the Aburoy tribe. The other coups had all been organized by the Asuah tribe who dominate the military here. The Captain gave a maiden speech at six o’clock local time, giving the usual reasons they give to justify things like this. He appeared like a man in total control, though. He promised to come back in a while. We are all waiting. Things are rather tensed up here.”
Newscaster: “Thank you, Ama. We shall get back to you shortly. We are now joined by our diplomatic correspondent, Dr. Brian Keyknow. Brian, what has been the reaction of the Foreign office? Have they issue travel advises. What plans have they made to get westerners out. How many Westerners are believe to be there?”
Brian: “Thank you, Helen. I am just from the Foreign Office. The British government has issued a strongly-worded condemnation of the coup D’ETAT and especially the killing of President Bansa Barawo who was recently a guest of Her Majesty’s government. The government has advised British citizens to remain indoor until the situation clarifies itself. Non-essential staff of the British High Commission at Petuje has been withdrawn and the government has urged British firms to withdraw their staff to neighboring Kugboja. A British frigate, HMS Endeavor, and the helicopter carrier, HMS Lion Heart, which are in the South Atlantic have been ordered close to the scene to keep close tab on things. The government has placed a temporary ban on all military assistance, including non issuance of visas to Kosangbian military personnel and their dependents. The export of all lethal military hardware have also been placed on temporary hold, so are all non- humanitarian assistance. There have been no all-out economic sanction, but officials at the Foreign Office say that cannot be ruled out. The government is also in close liaison with its EU partners on getting a community-wide sanction against the new leaders. These type of things have become totally unacceptable as clearly spelt out by the last Commonwealth Summit. By sheer co-incidence, The American Secretaries of Defense and State are attending a conference here in Lahndahn. They are meeting the Prime Minister later and we are assured by Number Ten that the events unfolding at Kosangba is high on the agenda.”
Newscaster: “Thank you, Brian. Do we know how many westerners are there in Kosangba. Are they in any danger, and are the steps taken by the government sufficient to guarantee their safety?”
Brian: “There are believe to be about five thousand westerners – an assorted lot. There are also believe to be about one hundred and fifty odd Japanese. The Westerners are not believed to be in any immediate danger. But in that part of the world, things could quickly turn ugly. Not to worry, though. We should remember that the Americans sixth fleet is just in the vicinity. They are having their annual exercises at the South Atlantic. The French also maintain bases in about four or five neighboring states. No, Helen, I think that the westerners are pretty safe. As safe as they could be anywhere in the world. We cannot say, however, if the western governments will call up their military muscles if the new junta started messing up the lives of the local people.”
Newscaster: “Thank you, Brian. We have on the line General Scott FitzGerald, commander of the Sixth Fleet. Thank you General for joining us, where precisely are you. How close are you to Kosangba?”
Gen. FitzGerald: “Thank you, Ma. For tactical operational reasons, I’m afraid I cannot give our precise location. Yes, Ma, we are close to Kosangba. We are monitoring events closely. We got everything under minute reco. No problem on that score, Ma.”
Newscaster: “Do you think that the westerners in Kosangba are in danger, and what can you do if the situation deteriorates further. Have you got plans for their evacuation?”
Gen. FitzGerald: “Yes, Ma. We have here the best fighting men and machines in the world. We have contingency plans for every conceivable situation. Of course, if it comes to it, we can easily pull our folks out. We do not envisage any problem on that score. Heaven help those who stood in our way. As you should know, Ma, we always come in peace, but we shoot to kill.”
Newscaster: “Kosangba was said to have taken delivery of some new weapon systems, you seem not to have too much opinion of them. Do you know about the new weapons?”
Gen. FitzGerald: “Yes, ma! We make it our business to know what every army in the world has got in its inventory, down to the last shell, Ma. We know what the folks down there have got. After all, we sold the damned thing to them. We shall never be caught unprepared. In all the simulations we ran on our advanced computers, Kosangba can be taken in five minutes, give or take a couple of minutes. You have to remember, ma, that what goes for army here are just rag-tag bands of hoodlums uniformed to impress local folks and celebrate the sham independence of the colonial-inventions that goes for countries in Africa. When it comes to fighting modern military battles, Africans cannot win prizes.”
Newscaster: “Thank you, General FitzGerald. We now return to Petuje where our special correspondent is again on the line. Ama, do you have anything new for us?”
Ama: “Thank you, Helen. Yes, I have managed to track down the speaker of the House of Representative, Dr. Ikechukwu Umofia. He is the fourth highest ranking officer of the old regime. I was taken blindfolded by his close aides to his hideout outside Petuje. He would like to have his say.”
Newscaster: “Thank you, Ama. Dr. Umofia, first of all how are you? I think a little congratulation will be in order for your escaping. First of all, are you alive?”
Dr. Umofia: “Obviously, I am alive.”
Newscaster: “Are you sure that you are alive? We heard that several top officials have been killed. Can you tell us how alive you are?”
Dr. Umofia: “I am as alive as I ever was.”
Newscaster: “Can you be categorical about that?”
Dr. Umofia: “Yes, I am categorically alive!”
Newscaster: “Thank you. Can you tell us where you are?”
Dr. Umofia: “Of course, I cannot, under the present circumstances, disclose my whereabouts.”
Newscaster: “But you are still in Kosangba, or are you not?”
Dr. Umofia: “That much I can confirm.”
Newscaster: “What is your reaction to the violent coup especially the killing of President Alhaji Bansa Barawo, who was your personal friend.”
Dr. Umofia: “My reaction is one of profound shock, inexpressible anger, stupendous exasperation. We all thought we have put this barbaric thing behind us. The killing of an elected president, by a bunch of thugs in military uniforms, can no longer be justified, under any circumstances.”
Newscaster: “We are not talking justification here. The question is what are you going to do now? Are you going to accept the situation as fait accompli or are you trying to organize yourself and your group to try and reverse things?”
Dr. Umofia: “Things have not been as easy as you want to make out. Our country has suffered a tragedy of epic proportion. Our elected president has just been killed. We have no way of knowing what is going on at the moment.”
Newscaster: “Have you try contacting elements in the security services who might possibly be against what has taken place? Have you sought contact with International bodies, the world community? Things like that. Are you doing any of these things or are you going to be satisfied with mere verbal condemnation?”
Dr. Umofia: “We are gladdened by the support of the British government. We hope that the EU and the UN will soon issue their condemnations. We also hope that the Commonwealth will make a statement soon. This violent overthrow of elected government should be totally unacceptable.”
Newscaster: “The fact of the matter is that President Bansa Barawo, an Asuah, has been killed in a coup organized by the Aburoy elements of the army, that surely must anger some people in his tribal region. You are also from one of the major tribes there. Are you going to wake up the ethnic card, or are you just going to take things easy?”
Dr. Umofia: “What happened has been a national tragedy. We don’t believe that we should pander to ethnic jingoism at this juncture.”
Newscaster: “So, are we to believe that you are not going to take any military action? You are not seeking military support, intervention, things of that nature?”
Dr. Umofia: “Not at this junction.”
Newscaster: “Thank you Dr. eh, Umofhia. We have on the line Lieutenant Mejuyagbe Akperi, the spokesman for the new junta in Kosangba. “Good afternoon, Lieutenant, how are you?”
Lt. Akperi: “I believe we have more serious thing to discuss than my well being.”
Newscaster: “Thank you. Did you sleep better last night?”
Lt. Akperi: “Let how I slept be my concern. Shall we get on with the interview?”
Newscaster: “I see. Jolly well. How do you and your colleagues justified the fiendish murder of President Bansa Barawo? The rest of the world are moving towards democratic rule, haven’t you set Kosangba back, Lieutenant?”
Lt. Akperi: “It all depends on how you guys look at things down, or is it up, there. When Barawo and his gang were emptying our treasury to keep your banks solvent, we didn’t hear you condemn him. We have issued our reasons for taking the action we took and we owe no apologies to any busy-bodies. Our people are strongly behind us and that’s the only thing that matters to us. We believe that we have performed our patriotic role in terminating Barawo and his forty thieves.”
Newscaster: “You certainly cannot justify your recent actions in view of the fact that the world community will surely not sanction it.”
Lt. Akperi: “You mean you busy-body Europeans. Who appointed you International or World community? When are you going to learn to keep your long noses out of other people’s affairs? Who needs your approval?”
Newscaster: “It is not only western government that has condemned your action, the Commonwealth has just issued a statement condemning your illegal army take-over. That must surely counted for something with you.”
Lt. Akperi: “Commonwealth! What is Common and where is the wealth? We pay no attention to any colonial, neo-colonial or imperial organizations or entities. We have decided to take our nation’s affairs firmly in our own hands, the opinion of any crazy baldhead can go to the wind. We have neither wish nor desire to be reminded of our bestial colonization. We have nothing in common. Thank you.”
Newscaster: “But the British government has suspended all aid to you and it is urging the EU to follow. How do you react to the suspension of aid?”
Lt. Akperi: “You guys have to recognize that we are a different kettle of fish, altogether. You have to recognize that we feel humiliated by the mis-rulers who mis-managed our economies and go pan-in-hand abegging. We are not thrilled by the pyrotechnics of your so-called aid. We want you guys to get off our back and the sooner the better. We are fed up with all your missionaries – spiritual, economic, political and social busy-bodies. We are tired of having your unemployed, unemployable ragamuffins parading our streets masquerading as ‘experts.’ Stop installing puppets to loot our treasuries in your behalf; repatriate the money stolen by African dictators; stop collecting usurious interests on African debt; pay good prices for what you are, literally, looting from our land, and you can all go and stuff your so-called aid in your asses.”
Newscaster: “You will agree that what is bothering the International community and Human Rights organizations like the Amnesty International is that from experience, military governments are not the best guarantors of Human Rights. What’s your agenda on Human Rights?”
Lt. Akperi: “What is your definition of Human Rights?”
Newscaster: “Sir, we’re talking here about basic rights like free movement, free speech, free press, free association, things of such.”
Lt. Akperi: “Why don’t we include racism, xenophobia, colonialism, imperialism, social Darwinism, racial genocide and extermination of native people? You guys are very funny creatures. You drew up arbitrary abstractions and termed them Universal Human Rights. You have your Amnesty shouting itself hoarse about the so-called Human Rights violations in your so- called Third World, while it keeps quiet about the victims of your internal colonization and racism. Why are your so-called experts on Human Rights silent on the chain-gangs in Alabama? Why are they not protesting the fact that more African Americans are in jail than are in college? Why is the fact that an innocent African-American writer is rotting in jail in ‘God’s own country’ not exciting your ire? I am talking about Jabber. Why shed crocodile tears over so-called ‘Tianemen Massacre’ while keeping quiet over Kent State university killings? Those who clamour for basic rights in your own societies are either killed or allowed to rot in jail. I am talking about Malcolm X, Martin Luther King jr., among others. And let’s not forget Bobby Sand. Your FBI organised a COINTELPRO to decimate the core of black leadership. The CIA introduced drug into Black communities. Your scientists deliberately infected black people with syphilis and you’re telling me about ‘Human Rights.’ Your police force operated a shoot to kill policy in occupied Ireland. The French Police are wasting African lives like no man’s business. Many of your so-called democracies are drugging Africans before deporting them. You have to ask yourself if a racist society, any racist society, is capable of guaranteeing Human Rights? Are we to believed that your so- called democracies, built on the Aristotelian concept which stratified societies into aristocrats and peasants, is capable of engendering a just system with an unbiased Human Rights? Have you bothered yourself to think that your ruling classes brought up on Plato’s ideas are capable of ruling justly? Are your citizens so stupid that they believe the fiction that the plutocracies they called democracies are guaranteeing them anything? Are Africans in your country enjoying full Human Rights? What moral rights has the grandchildren of slave- raiders to give lectures on ‘Human Rights?’ Don’t give us any discourse on Human Rights!”
Newscaster: “Surely, we have a free press here. That surely is a luxury for the people of Kosangba at the moment.”
Lt. Akperi: “Again I have to ask for your definition of a ‘Free Press’?”
Newscaster: “We are talking about a press that is not subjected to governmental control of any sort?”
Lt. Akperi: “Can you put your hand on your chest and say that your government exert no control whatever on your organisation? Are we to believe that they just give you the money, appointed your directors and tell you to go and do your own thing? Are your secret agencies not manipulating what you are telling us? Dare you suggest that the same plutocrats who own your government, your economy and your so-called ‘free- press,’ are not exercising any control on what you write or broadcast? And does your so-called Free Press include the rabidly-racist and ultra jingoist junksheets you called tabloids? Are they free of control from their owners? Can you tell us that your CIA, FBI, M16 are not having any input into what you are telling us? Would you call your TIME, ECONOMIST, NEWSWEEK, BBC, CNN, VOA, your rabidly jaundiced Mirror free press? By what stretch of imagination can you describe the VOA a free press. Give us a break. You can begin by waging a jihad against your own ignorance. Go get and read David Halberstam “Power that Be,” before you come and talk to me about any ‘free press.’
Newscaster: “Thank you, Lieutenant. But, surely, Lieutenant, the killing on such massive scale cannot be justified.”
Lt. Akperi: “When it comes to killing on massive scale, you Europeans are second to none. Here you are turning squeamish because your friend, your accomplice-in-looting has been killed. Whenever your interests are at stake, human lives count for nothing. Few years down, you went half-way around the world to fight a colonial war in the Maldives. By your own boastings, half a million Iraqis were killed so that you could continue to get cheap oil. Don’t give us lectures on anything, especially on the sanctity of human lives. The only thing you have done throughout your history is to kill and rape and exterminate. Your history is littered with genocides – in Southern Africa, In Eastern Africa, in Western Africa, in India, In China, in New Zealand, in Australia, in the Americas. The only thing you did wherever you went, was to exterminate the indigenous populations. How dare you accused anyone of ‘massive killing?'”
Newscaster: “We have just spoken with the Speaker of the House of Representative, Dr. Umofhia and he has also condemned your take-over. He also vowed to resist it. What do you say to that?”
Lt. Akperi: “I have no wish to bandy insults with any treasury-looter. People can dream any dream they like. Even sturdy rogues like your friends are entitled to their pipe- dreams.”
Newscaster: “So, are you ruling out any negotiation with elements of the government?”
Lt. Akperi: “Government, what government? If you mean the discredited, ex-regime of Barawo and his cabal, we have nothing to say to them.”
Newscaster: “If you are ruling out negotiation, that surely means you are prepared to return fire for fire. You don’t suppose for a minute that they are not going to rally militarily, do you? Are we to believe that the only avenue open is a military solution?”
Lt. Akperi: “I cannot really understand your question. We are in total control. We shall meet any threat with military decisiveness.”
Newscaster: “Thank you, Lieutenant. We now go back to Dr. Umofia. Thank you for waiting, Dr. Umofhia. I guess you will agree that the new regime has explicitly ruled out negotiation and that they are spoiling for a military showdown. It is quite clear now that the only viable option left for you and your group now is military counter-measures. What do you say to that?”
Dr. Umofia: “We are not ruling anything in or out.”
Newscaster: “Should we take that as an open declaration of war against the usurpers?”
Dr. “We are not ruling anything in or out. We are studying the situation very carefully and we shall respond appropriately.”
Newscaster: “Have you got the military muscle to back up your threat of war? Has any section of the army declared support for you? Any promise of military assistance from any quarter?”
Dr. Umofia: “War is very serious business and we don’t believe that we have reach the stage, yet.”
Newscaster: “Are you already backing down from a showdown?”
Dr. Umofia: “We are not.”
Newscaster: “Thank you, Dr. Umofhia. We now have in the studio Bart Glenn of Combat International. Welcome, Mr. Glenn. Your organization has been active in Africa since the early sixties, providing military expertise to various groups and governments. Are you going to Kosangba to help out?”
Glenn: “We are always prepared to help out wherever our assistance is required and the price is right. We are not in this business just for the fun of it. We are strictly business people. To answer your question directly, no, we have not been contacted by either side in the Kosangbian conflict. We are, however, seriously monitoring the situation. The situation report we’re getting suggest things are rather murky down there, as they generally are in that part of the world. We have our men on reco mission inside Kosangba. We’ll know whether or not we ought to move very soon.”
Newscaster: “Can you tell us which side you are likely to support? Do you have any favorites?”
Glenn: “No, Helen. We are strictly business people. We do not get into sentimentalities like friendship or things like that. War is serious business and at the end of the day, we have to make our stockholders happy. That’s the bottom line. Business is business and friendship is just that, friendship. No serious business man should ever mix the two.”
Newscaster: “Thank you, Mr. Glenn. On the effects of the situation in Kosangba on oil prices and other business news, we are joined by our economic correspondent, Guy Crudegush.”
Crudegush: “Thank you, Helen.”
Newscaster: “Sorry to interrupt you, Guy. We have our correspondent back on the line. Ama, do you have any news for us?”
Ama: “Yes, I have managed to track down the President of the dissolved Student body, the Kosangba Students Association, Ibrahim yar Gobe. He’s vowing to resist the army takeover.”
Gobe: “The announced takeover is totally unacceptable to us.”
Newscaster: “We all know that. The question is what is your organization going to do about it?”
Gobe: “A luta continua.”
Newscaster: “The struggle has gone on for far too long, don’t you agree? When is the struggle going to terminate? What precisely are your plans?”
Gobe: “We shall organize. We shall protest. We shall vibrate.”
Newscaster: “Do you honestly believe that organizing, protesting and vibrating will turn the tide? The coupists have declared a curfew, closed the borders, how are you going to organise and vibrate? The spokesman for the new junta has ruled out any compromise and threatened to deal with any protester with ‘military decisiveness,’ – his own word. That surely must call for more resolute, more positive response than you’re suggesting?”
Gobe: “What are you suggesting we do then?”
Newscaster: “Me! I am no expert on such matters. But I can recollect that in time past your organization has successfully battled governments to standstill. We also see how Korean students battle their police on the streets. Are you adopting a Ghandhian posture or you are going Korean?”
Gobe: “We are not ruling anything in our out.”
Newscaster: “That seems to have become the new catch-phrase. No one is ruling anything in or out but no one is doing anything concrete. Thank you, Mr. Kob… Here is the summary of the African news: in Algeria, Islamic Fundamentalists have killed fifty French nuns at Ajoun, close to the capital Algiers. And Five hundred villagers have their throat slit at a village close to Berima in a raid blamed by the Algerian government on terrorists. Police in Kenya has shot and killed twenty protesters during an anti-government demonstration in Nairobi. Monrovia has again flared up in violence as factions battled for control of the strategically important airport area. Somali faction leader, General Harun Mohammed, has vowed revenge for last week killing of his son by militias loyal to clan leader General Audu. The World Health Organization has released its annual report on the AIDS epidemic in Africa. According to the new report one-hundred and fifty million Africans are believed to be infected with the HIV virus out of which fifty million will die within the next five years. The World Bank has just announced that the economies of Africa has taken the turn for the worse. Two-hundred and thirty-eight million Africans are malnourished, about half that number are slated to die of famine and starvation unless the donor community can respond urgently. That’s the summary of the African news. We now go back to Dr. Umofhia. Thank you Dr. Umofhia, it appears that you have just lost the students in your efforts to organize a resistance to the army take-over. The students appeared not prepared to join your crusade.”
Dr. Umofia: “That’s not the impression I get from the interview. By the by, my name is Umofia, spelt UMOFIA, and not Umofhia.”
Newscaster: “Umm… The president of the student body was non- committal, even if diplomatically so. Did you expect him to spell out his rejection of your group out boldly? We have the powerful boss of Kosangba Trade Union Congress, Etiebet Udoewah, on the line. Mr. Etiebet, your Union, representing over ten million workers has just been proscribed, are you doing anything about it?”
Etiebet: “Our Union has been suspended, like the other professional bodies, it has not been formally proscribed. There is a big difference between suspension and proscription.”
Newscaster: “I believe that you will agree that there are more serious problems in Kosangba at the moment than for us to waste our time on semantics. Are we to believe that you and your organization are in favor of the military take-over?”
Etiebet: “I don’t know from what premises you drew your conclusion. We all have to agree that the politicians over- reach themselves. We were not born yesterday. We all saw the waste and the profligacy of the politicians. How about the unending champagne parties? How about the open celebration of ill-gotten, publicly-looted wealth? They had it coming to them. We believe that they get their comeuppance. Many of us are not shedding tears for them.”
Newscaster: “Thank you, Mr. Etiebet. If you have just join us, this is a special bulletin on the events unfolding in Kosangba where a section of the army claimed to have overthrown the government and killed the president, Bansa Barawo. We now go back to army spokesman, Lieutenant Akperi. Lieutenant, are you still there?”
Lt. Akperi: “Yes, I am still here.”
Newscaster: “The Student Union, the Trade Union has formed an alliance with the politicians to resist your takeover. They also said that they are not ruling our military confrontation. To avoid bloodshed, you must certainly be thinking in terms of negotiation, are you?”
Lt. Akperi: “We don’t negotiate with treasury-looters. Period.”
Newscaster: “The politicians, the trade union, the student union, that surely is a formidable opponent. You can’t just wish them away, can you?”
Lt. Akperi: “I wondered where you get the idea to lump them up together. We have received congratulatory letter from the Trade Union Congress. We have also met representatives of the student union. We have explained our stance to them. I don’t know from where you’re conjuring up your fabled opposition. Listening to their answers, I won’t say that they have join any ‘formidable opposition’ against us. The so-called politicians have no locu-standi. Let any of them dare show his or her face. We have had to intervene to prevent many of them being burnt alive.”
Newscaster: “Surely they are not so-called. They are professional politicians who have just won a free and fair election.”
Lt. Akperi: “Yeah, they are indeed politicians. ‘Poli,’ I believe means ‘Many’ in one of your languages, even if a dead one. We all know that ‘ticks’ are blood-sucking parasites. That’s what our politicians are – ‘Many blood-sucking parasites.”
Newscaster: “You surely don’t believe that your coup can be allowed to stand, given the local and international opposition to it, or do you?”
Lt. Akperi: “I have already stated that we have no wish to take into cognizance whatever any foreigner thinks. You guys just have to understand that political life is evolutionary. Contrary to what you guys are portraying to the world, a time there was when you were at the same stage as we are going through – no thanks to the effects of your colonization on arresting our natural evolution. A time there was when you have mad men as kings. A time there was when the guillotines were working overtime to cut off the heads of your errant kings. Now, you go around pretending as though you had everything figured out from the beginning. Maybe you can find the time to check out what the terms ‘Carribees’ and ‘Nabobs’ mean. While you’re at it, look up the term, ‘Perfide Albion.’ Your ideological institutions have imbibed it into your heads, that all your institutions are second to none, and the rest of the world must follow, or else…”
Newscaster: “Isn’t that rather a too sweeping condemnation of the Western world. Are there no one thing or two that you could learn from the developed, civilised Western world?”
Lt. Akperi: “Developed,’ ‘Civilised.’ You’ve just confirmed what I have been saying about you Europeans. ‘Developed.’ Granted that you’re are technologically advanced, since when has ‘mechanical know-how’ become the hall-mark of measuring civilisation? I tell you, since the western world managed to capture the commanding heights of technology. That’s when. Would you describe yourself as culturally or spiritually superior to anyone? That reminds me of what Ghandhi said about your so-called civilisation. “It will be a good idea,’ indeed.”
Newscaster: “It is certainly not ‘so-called,’ it is an historical reality.”
Lt. Akperi: “Talking about ‘historical-reality,’ do yourself a favor and get a good education. Just look at yourself – stupendously ignorant, immensely badly-mis-educated, massively chloroformed by the propaganda of a White Supremacy Ideology, telling me about ‘historical reality.’ There are books in various libraries in your country that will educate you properly about your so-called civilisation, if the efforts of reading them will not kill you. Your touted ‘Greek- Civilisation’ is a misnomer. There was no such monster. Your hallowed ‘Greek Philosophers’ were mere plagiarists who copied Egyptian text. Pythagoras, Aristotle were pupils of Egyptian Priests…”
Newscaster: “Thank you, Lieutenant Akperi. For an expert assessment on the situation in Kosangba, I turn to Professor Derf Holiday of the Royal Institute of Policy and Strategic Studies. Professor, Holiday, welcome. You are a renown authority on Africa. You have written about thirty books on the continent. You have recently paid a visit to the sub- region and President Barawo was among the leaders that received you. You consult for the British government, the EU and the UN on Africa. With that impressive credential, what is your own assessment on the situation in Kosangba, do you foresee trouble?”
Prof. Holiday: “Thank you, Helen. As many of your commentators have rightly pointed out, things are still very dusky down there. We have to be careful, though. When you have such a potpourri of tribal admixture as we have in Kosangba, anything goes. President Barawo was from the Asuah ethnic group and we know that nothing gets the ire of the African than have his clan leader killed. The new pretender to the throne, Captain Ajanlekoko, is an Aburoy. It is almost sacrilegious what has happened. Blood has been spilled. And from what we know, nothing gets Africans more excited than the smell of blood. Anthropologically speaking, blood, aside from food and sex, is the only thing that can rouse the primal instincts of the African. The main opposition force now, Dr. Umofia, is an Obi. People mess us with those guys at their own peril. Things do not bode well for Kosangba. And giving the amount of arms imported by the Barawo’s government, we have all the configuration for an ethnic conflagration of Armagedonian proportion. Africa’s politics is always hazy and predicting political developments there is always hazardous. Africans do not behave rationally like you or me, so we cannot judge them on the same scientific basis. However, my crystal ball foresee plenty trouble. If we are very fortunate, we will get another Liberia on our hand pretty soon, and if we’re extremely unlucky, I see another Rwanda brewing. What friends of Kosangba should be doing at this moment is to try and get the UN to dispatch military mission to separate the factions, otherwise Rwanda will be like a Boy Scout affray.”
Newscaster: “Thank you, Professor Holiday for that insightful analysis. What do you make of the alliance that’s being formed to resist the army take-over. Do you believe it can hold or will the takeover stay?”
Prof. Holiday: “I don’t think that we should put too much currency into any alliance. We should remember that coups are like wars. There are plenty bounty to be divided up among the victors. Right now, we see the boss of the union dillying and dallying. I guess he’ll be rewarded with a ministerial appointment for his troubles. We have to remember that Kosangba is a relatively rich country. By Africa’s low standards, anyway. There will be a lot of back-biting, denunciation and jockeying for positions. We already have reports of the traditional rulers and leaders of opinions paying homage to the new ruler. The newspapers will be filled with congratulatory messages and things like that. We should see in the next few days various groups paying solidarity visits to the new ruler. Things like that have happened before. What we should watch out for is the reaction of the elders of Asuah. If the new rulers can successfully placate them with posts and resources allocation, the opposition, I believe, will just fizzle out. Alliances don’t last in that part of the world: Africans are not world champions when it comes to loyalty and dependability.”
Newscaster: “Thank you professor for that brilliant exposition. We have in the studio, Tom Fisherman of the Africa Band-Aid Network. Tom, Has your organization got people on the ground in Kosangba?”
Tom: “Thank you, Helen. No, we have not got anyone on the ground in Kosangba. We are a new organization formed to take care of the emerging emergency in Kosangba, and we are appealing to donor organizations, the EU and the UN to be generous so that a calamity can be averted like in the previous situation where men and women and children were reduced to eating rats and grasses. We can all see what’s happening all over the continent. We believe that many of the calamities could have been avoided if people have been willing to act as soon as the omens are turning bad. It doesn’t take a soothsayer to see that Kosangba will soon descend into anarchy with the attendant starvation, banditry and what have you. We shouldn’t wait until people start falling down before we get going. Our organization was formed primarily to be more pro- active, instead of just reacting to disasters after disasters. We have plans to get emergency supplies to neighboring countries, so that we are not caught unaware like we were in Somalia, Ethiopia, Mozambique, Angola, Liberia…”
Newscaster: “Thank you, Tom. We go back to our correspondent, Ama, what’s the latest. Any fighting yet?”
Ama: “Thank you, Helen. There has been no further clashes. Things are rather quiet. Normalcy is gradually returning to Kosangba. I th…”
Newscaster: “Thank you very much Ama. We have come to the end of our special bulletin on Kosangba. Thank you for listening. World news follows.”
About the Author
Femi Akomolafe is a passionate Pan-Africanist. A columnist for the Accra-based Daily Dispatch newspaper and Correspondent for the New African magazine. Femi lives in both Europe and Africa, and writes regularly on Africa-related issues for various newspapers and magazines.
Femi was the producer of the FOCUS ON AFRICANS TV Interview programme for the MultiTV Station.
He is also the CEO of Alaye Dot Biz Limited Dot Biz, a Kasoa-based Multimedia organisation that specialises in Audio and Video Production. He loves to shoot and edit video documentaries.
His highly-acclaimed books (“Africa: Destroyed by the gods,” “Africa: It shall be well,” “18 African Fables & Moonlight Stories” and “Ghana: Basic Facts + More”) are now available for sales at the following bookshops/offices:
- Freedom Bookshop, near Apollo Theatre, Accra.
- The Daily Dispatch Office, Labone – Accra
- WEB Dubois Pan-African Centre, Accra
- Ghana Writers Association office, PAWA House, Roman Ridge, Accra.
- African Kitchen in Amsterdam Bijlmer
Where to buy them online:
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18 African Fables & Moonlight Stories https://goo.gl/Skohtn
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Africa: It shall be well: https://goo.gl/KIMcIm
Africa: it shall be well
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Africa: Destroyed by the gods
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Comradely,
Femi Akomolafe
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