Wanted: Financial Engineer

Posted by By at 14 July, at 11 : 00 AM Print

Wanted: Financial Engineer


All I can I say is that we have been overwhelmed into insensitivity by sheer excess. I have studied very carefully those figures and I have had to take a couple of aspirins after every paragraph, after every figure to ask and pinch myself; are we really living in the real world? Or whether this is some kind of fantasy world which is projected onto the pages of newspapers.

These are not figures plucked out in thin air. We have listened very carefully, the sources of these figures have been cited, the reaction of House of Representatives have been noted; but we have not heard any of these figures disputed by the relevant instruments of government.

One can no longer use the words like disdain and contempt, we have moved beyond that. We are being treated, not even like first or second class or third class citizens, when we are brushed in this way, we are being dehumanized.

It goes beyond just insults from arrogance of people who believe that they can get away with murder. Just as we thought we had recovered from the pension scam, along came a humongous, material assault on the resources of the ordinary people. All that I will ask is a specific plea that the populace should be ready for another determined march on corruption.” – Wole Soyinka

Do you mean to tell me that I should vibrate with gratitude that close to sixty years after we start to govern ourselves, we have not manage to build the hospitals that are good enough to cater for the health of our leaders? I think that it is such affront like people trooping to airports, to welcome president that have gone on medical checkups, that make our leaders pat themselves on the back and award themselves unwarranted pass marks. For your information, I spent the last three days at the Korel-Bu hospital, attending to a sick relation. What my eyes saw there makes me believe that we are being governed by uncaring leaders who continue to sodomise us, and treat us with the utmost contempt. The conditions of things I saw at what goes for the premier hospital in our land, makes me believe that we being governed by people who simply do not have our interest at heart.” – Femi Akomolafe, ‘Welcoming the president.’

My brother, I need help and very fast. Do you think that you can help me?

Help you with what?

Seriously, my brother, I need help big time and I need it like yesterday?

I do my best to help within my capacity. But you first need to tell me the nature of your problem. I don’t like to make empty promises.

It’s not a problem, per se. In the process of helping me, you might even be able to help yourself. At least, you will be able to change your ward-robe.

You! What is wrong with my ward-robe?

Do you think that I have not noticed? Upon all the big grammar you write in the papers all the time, you have been wearing the same cloths for the past five years. When was the last time you change your sandals? Or do you think that I did not notice?

I thought you had enough problems of your own to bother yourself with worries over my clothes and sandals.

And maybe you can change that ancient jalopy with which you pollute the environment.
You! Who is complaining? My jalopy takes me around town, and that is good enough for me. Why the need to diss it?

That is what you will say. You go around town in smoke-belching ancient contraption you call car whilst people with less than one percent of your intellect, tool around town in the latest designer 4×4 jeeps, with all the modern gadgets known to electronics. They have money in their purses than you see in one year. They spend more money on their girl-friends phones than you spend feeding yourself for one year. One of the dresses their apushkeleke wears is enough to replenish your tattered ward-robe…

Please, please, enough of all these pulldowns. What are you getting at?

I am just telling you that you and I are doing something wrong, fundamentally wrong. Why do we remain poor? Why, tell me? Why are we not having good times like the rest of our compatriots? There is plenty money in Ghana, why are we missing out?
Our elders say that fingers are not equal. Some are better than me; and I’m better than a lot of people.

That is what you will say. You and your wretched proverbs which will not get you anywhere. You also have the philosophy of those condemned to poverty. I am leaving you behind. If you don’t like better things, I would like to enjoy small-small before I go join the ancestors.

What exactly are you talking about?

You still don’t get it, do you? I say that it is time we join the band-wagon of prosperous Ghanaians. I won’t like to be condemned to a life of perpetual penury. I don’t want to go and meet my maker in tattered clothes. My brother, I want to make some money before I die. I want to make some big money? I want to drive one of those their monster jeep before I die.

What did you drink this morning?

What do you mean; did someone tell you that I drank something?

The way you are talking, what brought about all these talk about money, big money?
Stand there like a fool, where have you been all this while?

What do you mean where have I been? We see each other every blessed day. And you’re asking me where I have been.

Don’t you listen to the news; watch the television?

Nah. I gave up long time ago. The news nowadays only distresses me.

Ah, no wonder. That’s how you come to miss the biggest news of the century.

News of the century, what is that?

Sit down there and ask me what the news of the century is. Anyway, I need your help.
Stop beating round the bush and tell me what is bugging you.

I need only two people…

For what, are you into Sakawa or what?

You, your impatience will kill you. Why don’t you let me land before you bury me?
Ok, land but hasten it.

I need a Financial Engineer…

A what?

That is why I said you are too impatient. Listen to me, first.

Sorry, ok, go ahead.

I need a Financial Engineer; I also need a damn good lawyer. With those two, I’m made for life. I can laugh all the way to my bank and smile my way out of my present poverty.

And you said that you didn’t drink something!

No, my brother, I didn’t drink anything. I am as sober as they come. You write all those big grammar in the newspapers, you must have some contacts to pull to get me those two guys.

A Financial Engineer?

Yes, plus a damn good lawyer. Actually, I’d like to see if you can get me a former Attorney General, who has the presence to intimate all and sundry. He must be someone like those characters from Grisham books – those fast-talking mouthpieces who knows the law like no man’s business.

You are not making sense. And you want a Financial Engineer, a most nebulous term if you ask me. And now you want a former Attorney General. You want to kill them for money or what?

You! Who is talking murder here? I am not into murder or any crappy Sakawa stupid scam. What I do will always be decent, legal and above-board.

So you say.

Sarcasm will get you everywhere. You truly have missed the news. Can you try and get the two people for me?

I do not know what to make of your request, are you sure that you are sober?
My friend, please quit jiving. The new game in town now is to collect judgment debt from the government, or haven’t you heard of the term?

I have heard of it all-right but I thought it is supposed to be under investigation by the parliament…

You thought wrong, my friend. And who gives a damn about investigation in this country of ours?

And you say that it is legal and above-board, but it is anything but.

Says who?

It is a scam which the state is seriously investigating?

Seriously investigating, are you for real? Don’t make me laugh with such naiveté.

What is naïve in that? I read that the parliament is seriously investigating the matter.

Blessed are the trusting for they shall remain gullible. Where was your serious parliament when what you called scam was been perpetrated against the nation?

Anyway that’s neither my business nor my concern. Try and get me a Financial Engineer to help me wake up some claim against the government, sort the paperworks out so that I can go and collect my money. We can work out reasonable percentages; you know that I’m not a greedy bloke.

Just like that?

What do you mean just like that?

You think that the government is stupid to just give money away like that?

Now you make me laugh.

And why are you laughing?

You asked me if I was for real; it is my turn now to ask you if you are for real or where you have been. What has the government been doing all these time except pay judgment debt, just like that, to use your expression?

You said Judgment Debt, but you haven’t got any judgment, have you?

Ah, now you are getting the picture. That is where the lawyer comes in. And, yes, we need one with enough credentials to send shivers down the spine of our under-paid and over-worked state attorneys.

How, how does it work?

You are asking the wrong person. Why do you think I ask you for a Financial Engineer? If I knew the intricacies o financial engineering, do you think that I’ll come to you? The Financial Engineer’s job is to gather all the necessary intelligence about which government payment has lapsed, ferret out the relevant information and documents, do the necessary paper works, see the people that necessary to see and present a claim to the government. If some silly civil servant dilly or dally, our formidable lawyer enters the fray and spew enough Latin buzzwords to dazzle everyone. He will threaten to invoke Order of Mandamus, Habeus Corpus, Nolle Prosequi, Certiorari and all those intimidating Latin jargons that never fail to awe and shock. The cowed state attorneys are only too happy to settle out of court. Luckily for us, the Chinese government has just released US$3 billion to our government. If we move fast, we could get a small bit of the action. We shouldn’t become too greedy. Even a tiny percentage of that three billion dollars will stand us in good stead and lift us far above the poverty line? I can get me a dreamy four-wheel, buy me a house or two at choice areas and have the apushkelekes swarming over me. What do you say; are you game?

Don’t you think that you are looking at long stretch of years at Nsawam prison?
Get out of there. How many people have been jailed so far, tell me? Who is going to jail you if government pays you government money? You are truly a killjoy? Let me get out of here before you contaminated me with negative vibes. Keep on wallowing in your self-induced poverty whilst smart people are having good time.


About the Author

Femi Akomolafe is a passionate Pan-Africanist. A columnist for the Accra-based Daily Dispatch newspaper and Correspondent for the New African magazine. Femi lives in both Europe and Africa, and writes regularly on Africa-related issues for various newspapers and magazines.

Femi was the producer of the FOCUS ON AFRICANS TV Interview programme for the MultiTV Station.

He is also the CEO of Alaye Dot Biz Limited Dot Biz, a Kasoa-based Multimedia organisation that specialises in Audio and Video Production. He loves to shoot and edit video documentaries.

His highly-acclaimed books (“Africa: Destroyed by the gods,” “Africa: It shall be well,” “18 African Fables & Moonlight Stories” and “Ghana: Basic Facts + More”) are now available for sales at the following bookshops/offices:

  1. Freedom Bookshop, near Apollo Theatre, Accra.
  2. The Daily Dispatch Office, Labone – Accra
  3. WEB Dubois Pan-African Centre, Accra
  4. Ghana Writers Association office, PAWA House, Roman Ridge, Accra.
  5. African Kitchen in Amsterdam Bijlmer

Where to buy them online:

On Lulu Books:

18 African Fables & Moonlight Stories https://goo.gl/Skohtn

Ghana: Basic Facts + More: https://goo.gl/73ni99

Africa: Destroyed by the gods: https://goo.gl/HHmFfr

Africa: It shall be well: https://goo.gl/KIMcIm


Africa: it shall be well

on Kindle books: https://www.createspace.com/4820404

on Amazon books: http://goo.gl/QeFxbl

on Lulu Books: https://goo.gl/SQeoKD


Africa: Destroyed by the gods

on Kindle books: https://www.createspace.com/4811974

on Amazon books: http://goo.gl/1z97ND

on Lulu Books: http://goo.gl/KIMcIm


My Lulu Books page: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/FemiAkomolafe


Get free promotional materials here:

  1. Africa: it shall be well: http://alaye.biz/africa-it-shall-be-well-introduction-in-pdf/

A FREE Chapter of ‘Africa: It shall be well’ could be downloaded here: http://alaye.biz/africa-it-shall-be-well-a-free-chapter/

  1. Africa: Destroyed by the gods (How religiosity destroyed Africa) http://alaye.biz/africa-destroyed-by-the-gods-introduction/

A FREE Chapter of ‘Africa: Destroyed by the gods’ could be downloaded here: http://alaye.biz/africa-destroyed-by-the-gods-free-chapter/

Read a review here

Contact Femi:

Femi’s Blog:
Website: www.alaye.biz
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Email: fakomolafe@gmail.com

Kindly help me share the books’ links with your friends and, grin, please purchase your copies.


Femi Akomolafe



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